Paying Attention: A Good Investment

Years ago, I wrote, "As much as I love you and as important as your love is to me, I hate you for the central tragedy of our relationship:  that you don't know me at all." This statement was contained within a letter I wrote to my mother but never delivered. When I wrote it, I was feeling the despair of the little girl I once was, who needed her mother to truly see her, to realize the pain she was bearing alone.

There I was, in my 30s, still wanting the mother who could see that her daughter's heart and soul were sick, shriveling, dying. When I was a young child, I was lost, afraid, and overwhelmed by a nightmare life full of dark secrets...and I felt motherless. Facing those childhood secrets as an adult, I was feeling motherless all over again, still yearning for the nurturing, protection, and healing I had longed for as a child. I wanted a mother who cared more about my emotional life than about my career success or how my clothes looked.

Here I am now, decades later, knowing this truth:  I can never go back to get the mothering I needed as a child, but I can get it now. It's never too late to mother ourselves; we have only to begin.

The Whole Secret

"I always enjoy reading your updates," she said. "You're always so positive! How do you do that? How do you stay so positive all the time?" My answer, that my life/spiritual philosophy includes the reality that whatever I put out is what I receive back, was the easy answer in the moment, yet not enough. "Oh, I agree with that," she continued, "but sometimes I just get so angry!"

You slipped away, my friend, before I could respond. The rest of my "secret" of staying positive is that I simply don't care what others do.That sounds callous at first, I know. But let me explain more.

I didn't say I don't care about others. I do! I care deeply about others. I simply "don't care" about their behavior. That is, I don't have expectations for what others should or shouldn't do. I don't have any attachment to their choices. Therefore, I don't have any emotional reactions to those choices. I can't get angry at you if I live in the simple truth that your choices are your own and have nothing to do with me.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll remember that I recently wrote about this Childhood Treasure of Independence as the Buddhism of early childhood.

If only I could trust you....

Got Trust?

Not as obvious as a white stripe across your upper lip, there are still visible signs of your answer. In your furrowed brow, your hunched shoulders, your crossed arms or hesitant voice, I can see that your infant self did not get what s/he needed to mine the Childhood Treasure of Trust. In your open smile, freedom of movement, and easy laughter with strangers, I can also see when your treasure chest overflows with this gemstone.

Those of you with the furrowed brow, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and hesitant voice all believe that you are justified in your stance. You've learned from experience, haven't you? The world is not a place for trust. People have let you down, betrayed you, left you twisting in the wind. Maybe a few have earned your trust...and they had to work darn hard at it, because you're not an easy sell, are you? And even a few of them -- maybe most of them -- in the end, lost your trust. As one non-truster I know put it, "It takes a long time to earn my trust and it can be lost in a moment, by a single action."

Hogwash, I say!

The End of the World

What if it really was the end of the world? That planet-obliterating meteor is hurtling toward us and we have three weeks to live, then just one. How would you spend your time? Trying all the altered states you’ve never let yourself try before? Rioting and looting? Desperately trying to reconnect to family or some long-lost love? Frantically, anxiously trying to prevent the inevitable? Mowing the lawn?

I like to think that I’d choose to be with someone with whom I can make an authentic connection, just doing every-day stuff: cooking a meal, listening to music, hanging at the beach. I like to think that I’d choose to be with someone with whom I could be 110% in the moment, just present and aware of myself and that other person, without stress or worry. Someone to whom I could say, in the last 60 seconds of our lives, “Tell me about your childhood,” listening with complete attention to the answer. 

That kind of peace may be the final result of Acceptance, my greatest challenge among the 7 Childhood Treasures. Acceptance: the Buddhism of early childhood.

Is it hard to be grateful?

Feeling like your life is tough and you have nothing to be thankful for this week? Somebody hurt your feelings? Lost your i-phone? Missed your bus? Didn't get the raise you were hoping for? Wrecked your car or had it stolen? Were beaten up by somebody who "loves" you? Got thrown out of your home by the bank? Had a hurricane destroy everything you own?

Perspective. It's all about perspective. You and I have the greatest gift the Divine gives -- life! Waking every day to the continuous opportunity of that life is really enough. Everything else is delicious spice added to that bountiful dish. Sometimes sour, sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, or salty from our tears. Daily or even hourly changes in flavor don't alter the fundamental nurture.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you really loved me, you...

...wouldn't need to ask me what I want for a gift.
...would know how I feel.
...wouldn't ask that of me.
...would be there for me.
...wouldn't ever hurt my feelings.
...would care more about me than about....
...wouldn't doubt my love for you.
...would never leave me.

Fill in the blank however you like, it's all fantasy anyway. Any statement that begins with "If you really loved me..." is false. And frankly, it is always a form of egocentric manipulation, as well. Not that you'd do that on purpose, of course! At least, not if you really loved me.

No matter what you see as your current relationship problem, the real problem is in that last phrase: "if you really loved me."

Is it really love?

I hear "I love you" all the time. I have heard it from my friends and family members. I have heard it from my romantic partners and spouses. I hear it spoken between others when it is not directed at me. I teach about it in my workshop, The Power of Love.

Sometimes these words are tossed lightly, perhaps to close a conversation -- "Love ya! Bye!." Sometimes, they are lifted tenderly in the cupped and trembling hands of vulnerability, with an intensity that vibrates the air around and the earth beneath those connected by the beauty of the moment. Many of us tell others we love them and are told we are loved often, or very often. Others of us yearn to hear the words.

Even if we hear it often and with seeming sincerity, we may not be sure of its reality. How do you know when "I love you" is just words and when it is really love?

Beating on closed doors

I stand before the closed door, trembling with my need. Relief, beyond this door, is available but not certain. I know my need could be met. I feel it should be met. My shaking hands are the visible sign that I feel it MUST be met. My need is great, yet I fear not great enough, important enough, to deserve a response.

How many times have I stood before this same door, aching with this same need? I cannot remember. It seems that I have stood so, longing and in pain, thousands upon thousands of times. How many times has the door opened to relieve my anguished craving?  I cannot remember that, either. Surely this silent barrier must have opened, at least once, sometime in the past. Why else would I believe in its ability to open?

Defense and Protection 101

"I should have known you'd be defensive about this." Her tone of voice seemed angry, though our cell phone connection gave me no other cues from body language or facial expression. Gee, that's funny, I think, I was just asking a clarifying question. I think you are being defensive!

Hanging the Defensive label around someone else's neck is so easy to do. In fact, it may be my most common and subtle form of defensiveness. When I dismiss your position as defensive, I dismiss its validity entirely. What if I said, instead, "Yes, s/he's being defensive...and what's the truth in what s/he's saying?"

I'm in pain and he's to blame!

If he really loves me, then where is he? A close and dear friend has simply disappeared from my life. It's been weeks now since I've heard from him. We had plans and he backed out. He was grumpy and rude. He hurt my feelings. He let me down. I don't understand what happened and it hurts. I had just recently been vulnerable enough to tell him how important he is to me ... and now he's gone.

How could he do this to me???

Cortical fiction

Friends, family members and colleagues, all day and every day, say stuff and do stuff. Sometimes I smile in gratitude. Other times I bristle with defensive anger, nod in agreement, tip my head in confusion, recoil in pain, laugh in appreciation.... I bet your life rolls along pretty much like this, too, eh? People do and say stuff and you react with thoughts and feelings, right? Maybe you express them carefully and intentionally, after a little processing time; maybe they burst out of you without much forethought; maybe you think you retain them behind a poker face, revealing nothing.

Whatever, dude. Literally.

Whatever you do or say is not about what they said or did, and vice versa. What they say and do is, likewise, not about you.

Having trouble accepting this truth? Consider the human neo-cortex for a moment. It's the culprit in this continuous human comedy.

Gettin' Stuff Done

If they'd taught procrastination in school, I would've earned an A+. I'm great at not doing anything I "should" do. In fact, I'm so talented at resisting the shoulds of life that I can go for days without doing anything at all in that realm. I've transitioned from a youthful drive to do everything I believed was required of me, all for appearances sake, to a middle-aged devotion to choice.

I worship at the altar of the future when any task that tastes even slightly of requirement appears on my plate. I embody the Scarlett O'Hara motto, "I'll think about that tomorrow."  Thus, the mundane tasks that keep life moving -- dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, housecleaning, daily exercise -- can loll comfortably on the sidelines of my life, free of fear that I will attack them.

I feel compelled to assure you that my home is not a moldering, infested heap. I do have standards and sufficient financial resources to enable this benign neglect: a dishwasher in which to hide dirty dishes, and an income that allows me to outsource housecleaning, for example. Still, what is simple and almost automatic for others -- gettin' stuff done -- is one of my life challenges. Unfortunately, this challenge affects really important goals, too.

Betrayal as Commerce

We've created a market for betrayal, and a whole industry has grown up to feed that market. At first bewildered by this phenomenon, I believe I now understand it. This betrayal industry thrives within the large number of so-called reality TV shows that feature a group of people treating each other rudely, calling each other names, and demonizing each other with judgement and criticism on mythic scales.

The purpose of these shows, as I understand it, is for a group of people to betray each others' basic needs for connection, community, friendship, positive affirmation, and honest input that could help them better themselves. These forms of "entertainment" commercialize the betrayal of our most essential needs in human relationships...and they are successful because there is a market for this product. Many of you want to watch other people's capacity for Trust be destroyed, so much so that you're willing to watch these highly- produced and manipulated versions of "reality."

Why say no to love?

Not long ago, I reached out to a friend to repair a breach in our relationship. Friends since 1997, we were once very close, sharing values and experiences that bonded us from our first conversation. And, oh, could we talk...! For hours on end we shared our thoughts, our dreams, our philosophies, our hopes.

But even close friends can grow apart, drift apart, or be divided by misunderstandings. When pain separates those who love each other, the path of least resistance is to let the gulf continue; silence and inaction are sufficient to maintain the status quo.

Have you ever grabbed the bootstraps of your courage to haul yourself out of that abyss of separation? Have you ever been the one who seeks to build a bridge of reconnection, or heal the unseen wounds?

When you did, were you rejected?

Finding faith in self

Truly, I believe that the Childhood Treasure of Faith enables me to move mountains of challenges and obstacles out of my way. Experience, over and over, has proven that when I follow my Big Dream -- one that focuses on benefits to others, rather than to me, alone -- then obstacles dissolve and opportunities are born. Faith in a distant and high-impact vision of a better future, such as "I will change the way we treat children in America," generates energy and forward momentum.

Why doesn't a dream that focuses on me and what I want for myself work the same way?

Trust and Politics

Every politician owns two attributes that are highly visible to all of us voters: her rhetoric and her record. The first holds entertainment value and can be inspirational, if the politician is a great orator. The second is the one that holds true interest for me.

Anybody can say anything he wants to about any subject. Most of the words coming out of politicians' mouths are carefully crafted "messaging" created for them by cadres of professional word smiths. The candidate's or official's actual behavior is what really matters to me. I really don't trust any of the words...until I see them become action. I listen to the words with interest; I trust the deeds.

And that's exactly how we all learned Trust as infants. Deeds, not words, can teach you Trust now, too. This first of the 7 Childhood Treasures always lies ready for development, a rough ore in your inner mine of wisdom. If you're that person who trusts nobody, or the one whose trust is betrayed over and over, I offer you a new way of seeing Trust.

Constant cravings and the cure

What you crave, whatever you crave, is not your problem. I crave food, you crave drugs, she craves risk, he craves power...it's all the same, really. Money, love, sex, shopping, gaming, gambling, alcohol, religious salvation, guidance from a "guru".... Just fill in the blank with your craving and let's move on.

Not sure whether you have a craving or what it is? Look at your check register and see how you spend your discretionary income. Better yet, look at how you spend income that you are choosing not to spend on food, shelter and other basic needs. There's your craving, swimming in a sea of your cash.

Whatever it is, this object of your addicted desire is just a substitute. If you are lucky or strong enough to, first, begin to see it as something in need of change and, then, manage to overcome your craving for it, you will likely just find an alternative to serve in its place. It's the blank that's our problem, not the substance with which we each fill it.

That blank -- that perception of yearning, yawning empty space within -- is the real, root problem.

Sure! You can be 2 at any age!

Everyone knows at least this one fact about child development: a child grows up. Right? A child develops, transforms over time, and becomes...what? Each of us developed from a child to an adult, correct? Everyone knows that!

Actually, maybe is a more accurate answer. Some of us only developed partially. Some parts of us grew to adulthood, while others stayed young. Maybe only the body grew up, and other capacities stayed as they were at age two, or four, or six.

So, what happens when my two-year-old emotions start to run the show in my adult life? I pout and cry to manipulate you with guilt. I yell and thrash in a tantrum to manipulate you with fear (of my anger). I go silent and limp to manipulate you with abandonment.. Get the theme? I manipulate you...at least, I try. 

Empowering Choice from Childhood

So often, I see people operate as if they had no choice. I wonder: when do I do that, without being aware of it? I do believe that I always have some choice. I can't fully choose what happens to me or around me, though I can create a life in which I am less often faced with undesirable impacts from others choices. Always, I can choose how I respond...even if what comes first is a from-the-navel reaction, rather than a chosen response. In those cases I can, at least, choose to clean up any mess I made and apologize.

So where does it come from, this belief that there is no choice?

Trust, forgiveness and layers of flavor

Dabbling in creating my own recipes, using tidbits of knowledge absorbed from watching cooking shows of all kinds, has me thinking about "layers of flavor." This phrase, uttered often by celebrity chefs, has pushed me to really think about building my food in layers, balancing sweet, salty, bitter and sour. This morning, I'm thinking about the layers of these flavors in my life.

Inflicted, as I am, with relentless optimism and positivism, I have tended too often to focus all my attention on the sweetness in my life, occasionally acknowledging the mildly salty that can be easily appreciated, but entirely ignoring the bitter and the sour. I have pushed these life flavors aside or buried them deeply in my subconscious. I go beyond Scarlett's "I'll think about that tomorrow," to a pattern of striving to never think about them. Of course I am not successful in this submersion strategy; the bitter memories and sour stories always bob to the surface, usually in the wee hours. Ripened now to an overblown state, they become indigestible self-recrimination; my heart burns with grief and shame.

Welcome!

Here's the truth: all you need for a successful life full of purpose and joy is already within you. You were born with every asset required for great relationships, an effective and productive work life, and spiritual completion.

And, yet, you may have troubled or broken relationships, be bored and unproductive, and feel empty and unconnected to the miracle of life. Maybe those essential assets haven't yet received the nurture they require to illuminate the path to the life you want. You were born perfect, but your perfection may be lost beneath a scrap heap of life experiences.

Virtually all the dissatisfactions that plague our adult relationships result from patterns that grew in early childhood. And they can be remade by unearthing wisdom from your childhood: 7 Childhood Treasures® that lie within you, buried and undeveloped. I help you to find the rough ores within, locate and reveal their subtle facets, and polish them to brilliant, blazing gemstones. Your birthright—a treasure chest of assets—waits for you, along with a successful life full of purpose and joy.

Choice and Community

Living in a community—whether of friends, family members or co-workers—requires that I have the ability to find common ground. Whenever I am in a group of two or more, there is diversity; there are diverse interests and ideas. I want something and every other person wants something, too; often, something different from what I want. And each person in a community chooses how to meet those needs. Choice is essential tool for living in community.