If you really loved me, you...

...wouldn't need to ask me what I want for a gift.
...would know how I feel.
...wouldn't ask that of me.
...would be there for me.
...wouldn't ever hurt my feelings.
...would care more about me than about....
...wouldn't doubt my love for you.
...would never leave me.

Fill in the blank however you like, it's all fantasy anyway. Any statement that begins with "If you really loved me..." is false. And frankly, it is always a form of egocentric manipulation, as well. Not that you'd do that on purpose, of course! At least, not if you really loved me.

No matter what you see as your current relationship problem, the real problem is in that last phrase: "if you really loved me."


If you are still saying these 5 words to loved ones -- family, friends, partners/spouses -- then you're far more than 50% of whatever problem is going on in your relationships. (I believe that each of us is almost always 50% of any relationships problem.) This phrase says way more about the speaker than about whomever the "you" is when these 5 words are spoken.

First, if you are the speaker, it says that you don't trust the other person's love for you. The love may be there. You don't trust it. And that's about you, not him/her.

Second, it says that you are about to define some limited version of love as the only one you're willing to see and experience. The love may be there. You are defining love as something other than how that love is being expressed. And that's about you, too.

First comes Trust. It's part of your job as a human being to develop a capacity for trust. If you have difficulty trusting others, then you have some work to do. Sure, others (and you) also should be developing trustworthy behavior. But even if everyone else was behaving in a completely trustworthy manner all the time, you would still need to develop the ability to trust them. Trust is not something that automatically exists when you're suddenly in a perfect relationship with a perfect person who never behaves in ways that are not trustworthy. You have to find your Treasure of Trust, shape it, shine it, and carry it in the Treasure Chest of your spirit, before you will ever be able to see the trustworthiness of others.

Second, you need to find the Treasure of Independence, your boundaries. You won't be able to recognize how you are limiting someone's expression of love until you can truly separate who you are, what you think and feel, and what you want from others. As long as you have your ideas about love muddled up in others' expressions of love, you will forever be blind to all the love around you.

With Trust and Independence gleaming in the Treasure Chest of your spirit, then the list of Woulds and Wouldn'ts becomes completely irrelevant, too. Because then you will know that I love you, and you will see how I express that love for you. Most important of all, you will see that how I show you my love is perfect in every way for who I am, and you'll stop trying to define it with who you are.

When you can see how I really love you, then the "if" will dissolve.