Hanging the Defensive label around someone else's neck is so easy to do. In fact, it may be my most common and subtle form of defensiveness. When I dismiss your position as defensive, I dismiss its validity entirely. What if I said, instead, "Yes, s/he's being defensive...and what's the truth in what s/he's saying?"
I could ask myself the same thing whenever I notice that I'm defending. What is the truth in what I'm saying? If I can get past the need to defend, maybe I can speak more clearly about how I feel or what I believe. When I stop fighting off what I see as your attack, I'll have more energy to articulate what is true for me. Maybe that will include an admission that I could have done better, with adjoining lesson learned or course correction.
Defensiveness. What is it really? A teacher I once had described it this way: I defend my behavior or position when I perceive it is under attack and when I fear it is weak. A parallel is how we, in times of physical danger, defend children and others who are vulnerable, unable to protect themselves from harm. We ward off physical attacks against them, often proactively and aggressively, with a counter-attack. But what if the attack is against someone strong, equally matched to or stronger than the attacker? All that is required then is to guard against injury. Protection assumes that the person attacked can fend for her/himself.
Defense is a spear. Protection is a shield.
If I am confident that my ideas, feelings, and behaviors are all birthed through a channel of integrity, then they are not weak. If I make clear choices for word and deed in alignment with my values, then I have no fear when it appears that someone is attacking those choices. There is no need to defend them; they can stand on their own.
So, when I hear myself -- or you -- defending and ask, "What is the truth here,?" the first answer, always, is that there is a perception of attack. We only defend when we feel or believe an attack is underway. The second answer is that I/you feel weak about the choice under attack. We only defend that which we believe is weak.
When I hear what I think is defensiveness in you, my first action could be to examine how my words, voice tone, or body language are communicating an attack. My second action could be to invite you to share the strength of your choice. "Why did you do that?" may sound like an attack on a weakness; "I'm curious about your thought process behind that decision" may sound more like an invitation to share a strength.
Perhaps I should add that the latter can also sound like an attack if I am not truly curious. My tone of voice or body language will betray my true feelings of judgement/attack. But words come first and, eventually, change the mind and heart. When I act as if I am open to learning, even when I feel the need to attack your choice, that acting as if will transform me one day into someone who really is open to learning.
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