Loving you as you need to be loved

I feel so clearly this morning how love is an act of patience and presence. Love asks not to be pushed or hurried. It says, "I am a river that flows," and I cannot force the river to flow faster. By the same token, if I  surrender to the river, I may be spun in a whirlpool, battered upon rocky rapids, tossed over the edge of a waterfall, or floated gently into a pocket of stagnation. Love requires awareness of and eyes-wide navigation of Her currents. The act of loving is one of focused learning, not of A-B-Cs and 1-2-3s, but of the contours of another's heart, mind, and soul.

In the marvelous book, All About Love, bell hooks quotes M. Scott Peck's

definition of love as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." This definition of love appeals to me, as it requires choice and intention. These words describe love as my own directed action, rather than as something I "fall" into. These words require me to be conscious of -- and present to -- both myself and you, as my beloved. Loving each other as adults requires the same focused attention as parenting a newborn. I must see each subtle clue and cue that communicates what you need. I need to learn, thoroughly, how you need to be loved.

bell hooks goes on to write, "To truly love we must mix various ingredients -- care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication."This view of love explains why Love is not one of the 7 Childhood Treasures. Love requires that ALL the Treasures be developed -- gemstones cut just so and polished to a lustrous glow -- to reveal every possible facet of their beauty. It is the integration of the capacities for Trust, Independence, Faith, Negotiation, Vision, Compromise and Acceptance that enable me to intentionally love you, to love you with recognition and respect for who you are, not with affection, only. I can easily be affectionate with anyone. Truly seeing and respecting someone requires focused and joyful effort.


What if, by nature, I am a running bull, aiming straight at life with my head down? And what if you, my beloved, is a young fawn, just as wild in nature as the bull but timid and watchful, darting away with a flash of

white tail at my first, thunderous steps toward you? I cannot love you by chasing you, relentlessly, through the world. Loving you as you need to be loved requires that I am sometimes still and focused, waiting for you to come a step closer, and then another step closer.

What if. by nature, I am the young fawn, eyes wide upon you, my beloved, the running bull galloping joyously toward me? I cannot love you by running away at your every approach. Loving you as you need to be loved requires that I sometimes find the courage -- the Trust and Faith -- to let you run your thunderous circles around me, even as I protect myself from your boisterous and joyous charge.

This dance of intention is the essence of the Childhood Treasure of Compromise. Sometimes, although my desire, my very nature, is to run with exuberance through life, I choose to be still and wait. Sometimes, though my nature, every fiber of my being, tells me to run and hide, I choose to run toward a risk. I give up some of what I need, to enable me to love you as you need to be loved. And sometimes you do the same for me. We each engage in an act of will. We choose to extend ourselves beyond our natures, beyond our comfort zones, for the purpose of nurturing spiritual growth in each other

In this mutual nurturing of spiritual growth, I find that I love the Love of the Divine in you, and that you also love the Love of the Divine in me. This is the love we all need, the love we all crave. To find this love, ask only this:

"Sweet Love say

Where, how and when

What do you want of me?...

"Yours I am, for You I was born:

What do you want of me?..."

Saint Teresa of Avila