If I don't feel safe, then I must feel myself to be in danger. If so, in danger from what? I am lucky to live in a part of the world where I am not in immediate physical danger. No overt war is being waged inside my country's borders. My neighborhood is without visible criminal elements and the dangers that follow their illegal enterprises. There aren't even any vicious looking dogs on my block. Even J_____, that person around whom "I don't feel safe," is not waving a weapon at me or advancing upon me with menace.
Many of those from whom I have heard this sentiment -- "I don't feel safe" -- live in similar circumstances of apparent safety. This mismatch of reality and perception begs the question, then: What is the source of danger? I look around and ask myself, is there someone lurking nearby ready to do this person harm? Is there an impending natural or man-made disaster roaring toward us? Every time, the answer is no. But the implied plea is for someone else to take some action to remove or reduce the threat. "I don't feel safe" seems to often be a request that someone do something about that lack of safety. Maybe we should make J_____ go away? Or maybe we just need him/her to act differently?
If there is no imminent threat of physical harm, then the fearsome danger must be from less tangible harms -- emotional or psychological damages. Fine. Valid. I appreciate that this damage can be as great, greater even, than physical harm. But how can you be made safe when your fear is of humanity's human-ness? Yes, there are a few individuals out there who seem to be on a mission to be mean but my experience is that, mostly, this kind of damage happens when well-intentioned, even loving, friends or family members "act out" of their own wounds. When I am emotionally or psychologically hurt by someone's behavior, it is most often when that person is reacting from a subconscious fear, rather than acting with conscious intent to hurt me.
Can I make you, me, or anyone else feel safe from that kind of harm? Can I stop every person in the world from acting out their internal dramas in ways that affect others? Well....in a word, no.
The 7 Childhood Treasures offers an alternative to this impossibility. You can make yourself safe from that kind of harm. Never again do you need to feel that you are not safe, if you have two wondrous tools. First, you need an awareness that you always have choice about your behavior (another blog post, another day). Second, you need boundaries.
Psychologists use this term, boundaries, differently than many of us use it. I find that our daily use of "boundaries" often means the establishment of rules or limits. I like to add the idea of making affirmative agreements, so that I have a set of "DO's" as well as a set of "DON'Ts." Limits/rules and agreements are the essential tools of the Negotiator, the four-year-old within us who wants to make everything fair and tidy and, well, orderly. Fours are the little Kings and Queens of childhood's kingdom. They believe in justice but, most of all, they believe in controlling the outcome.
Boundaries are the foundations upon which four-year-olds build their limits and agreements. Boundaries are the purview of the two-year-old. Boundaries, unlike limits and agreements, are not "set" or established with the mind's intention. We live inside of our boundaries, like a skin. Boundaries tell us who we are and who we are not; what is "me" and what is "not-me." These skins that separate us from others are either healthy and strong or tissue-thin and easily torn.
We're not born with these boundaries, other than the physical one of our body's skin. These boundaries of safety come with the Childhood Treasure of Independence. As toddlers, we can learn that we are separate beings, each with our own thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires, just as each of us has her own body. The physical skin can be joined by an emotional skin, then a mental skin, then a psychological skin. These "skins" around each component of our precious selves are what create our feelings of safety. Without them, we feel perpetually unsafe and nobody else can make that better.
If you are someone who often says (or feels and doesn't say) that you "don't feel safe," then I invite you to try this boundary-strengthening exercise. Relax, close your eyes, and journey to the place of deep wisdom that lies within your subconscious mind. The trip is a short one, and can be made easily by simply noticing your breath as it flows in and out. Keep noticing your breath and letting yourself relax until you leave the physical world around you and enter that internal space where you can hear the "still, small voice within."
Once you are there, ask for an image of your precious self, your First Flower, the shining gem of your Essential Worth. You are not looking for the worth that you have "earned" in the world, by being a "good boy" or "good girl," making good grades, picking up after yourself, having a good job, paying your bills, tithing at church, etc. You are looking for the worth that is your birthright. This worth you have simply because you were born, a child of Divine Grace. This worth has been within you from the start and you need make no effort for it to continue its existence.
When you find your Essential Worth, create an image -- visual or otherwise -- to remember it. You may be able to see it as an object or a swirl of color, or you may feel it as a movement or a heartbeat, or hear it as a song or gurgling brook. Experience your precious self and remember it, anchoring it with this image before you return from your inward journey.
This gem beyond value, your self-worth, is what needs to feel safe. Using whatever medium works best for you -- writing, drawing, dancing, singing, or just meditating -- create an image of a skin of protection around this jewel. Give your self-worth a little room inside the skin and let the skin be somewhat permeable. We want to protect this lovely First Flower, not isolate it completely. Your heart wants access to other hearts; your mind wants access to other minds; your dreams want to touch the dreams of others. And we want these points of access, these touches, to be safe touches, gentle touches.
My emotional skin, my emotional boundary, protects my heart from harm while also letting love in and out. My mental boundary protects my beliefs and my thoughts from being overrun, while allowing them to enter the world and allowing the world to bring me new thoughts and beliefs. My psychological boundary protects from your negative judgment my sense of who I am, while also letting me hear feedback that may help me to grow. These are the boundaries that each of us should have developed during the second year of life, with the loving support of our families.
Many of us did not get this support, and exited from toddlerhood without this crucial Treasure of Independence. The good news is that it's never to late to build your boundaries of protection and safety. It is never too late to find, or re-find, that Essential Worth; never too late to protect you First Flower of self. You can start today, by assessing your boundaries with this checklist. If you use it and want to know what your score means, write me at lcassociates@att.net and I'll tell you!
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