The Truth about Bullying

The truth about bullying is that every child who bullies has been taught to do so, by parents or other close adult caregivers, in lessons later reinforced by other children and other adults.

There. I said it.

I recognize that this point of view is <wry smile> potentially controversial.

If you are a parent, grandparent, early childhood teacher, or other adult with significant influence on the lives of one or more children, you may not like reading these words. Does it help to know that I don’t count myself out of that group of adult caregivers who has taught children to be bullies? Does it help if I say that I am in recovery from bullying children? 

You also may not like my explanation of how we teach children to bully,
 should you choose to read on. Consider yourself forewarned! I hope you do read on, and also decide to transform some of your interactions with the children in your life, through mining your own 7 Childhood Treasures. Since I saw how I was perpetuating this generational and culturally-supported teaching of “Bullying 101” lessons, I have strived for that transformation in my own interactions—not only with children, but with adults, too. I set about the work of mining my Treasures at the age of 30, though I didn't have this language for sharing my success with others until about 12 years ago. Every day, I recover by digging and digging, collecting clunky chunks of rough stone, cutting away the matrix and breaking them in just the right way to show their crystalline structure of facets, and polishing to a sparkling gleam my 7 Childhood Treasures.

 

I’m a work in progress. Waking up to my own behavior also birthed my understanding of my life mission to change how we treat children in America.

You should know that I start from this premise:  Children are born innocent and pure. No typical child—leaving aside those born with specific neuro-chemical malfunctions—comes into this world with hate in her heart, with racism in his mind, with her core motivation a desire to hurt others. Newborns do not open their eyes and take their first look at this bright, shiny world through a lens of judgment. And yet these children sometimes—more often than we’d like—grow up to be full of hatred, judgment, racism and other isms. Too many seem to act as if hurting others is a core motivation. Why? How are innocents so transformed, within just a handful of the years allotted for their lives?

You should also know how I think about individuals who are the opposite of bullies. In my mind, they share key traits:  compassion, empathy, concern for our fellow beings, personal accountability, responsibility, self-control, self-awareness, humility. These are characteristics sorely lacking in American relationship culture at this time. The media once deplored and now seem to celebrate their absence in society; we see the gap in our family homes, in our places of work, and in casual public acts. Horrors—from the daily abuse of children, animals, the elderly, and the disabled, to periodic mass shootings in schools, workplaces, and restaurants—have become commonplace. So-called “reality TV” shows feature intentional interpersonal disrespect, rudeness, and casual cruelty as entertainment. We wonder where the civility has gone, in our civil society.

So, here's what I know:  the first three of these seemingly sophisticated, adult qualities for which we yearn—compassion, empathy, and concern for others—are actually not so “adult.” They are fostered within the first 18 months of life, when the Childhood Treasure of Trust can also be mined and polished. I invite you to think about that for a moment. Before he can speak, before he can walk, or crawl, or even hold up his head, a child is becoming empathetic and compassionate…or he is not.

Caregivers who are tuned into infants’ needs, who interact with them in the “serve and return” responsiveness needed for the mining of Trust, also are hard-wiring infants’ brains for these “adult” capacities. Every responsive interaction—every need that is met—creates neural connections that enable the essential capacities for empathy and compassion. These brain pathways are not present in the newborn child. Rather, they are created, starting from a baby's first moments after birth, one interaction at a time, by responsive, empathetic caregiving.

The next three qualities—personal accountability, responsibility, and self-control? Well, they are best fostered in the young toddler, between 1-½ and 2-½ years of age. As this babe literally steps out into the world and mines the Treasure of Independence, these capacities can be wired into her brain. Only able to speak in two-word sentences, still only toddling unsteadily on chubby little legs, with little mental understanding of the world, she is becoming capable of governing her own life…or she is not.

A caregiver who offers choices rather than issues demands and threats, who educates the toddler about his emotions and impulses rather than stifles and ridicules them, and who helps the child learn to help herself rather than controls her every move…this adult creates the experiences that “fire up” the neural connections for personal accountability. These children learn to do what
is right because they feel better about themselves when they do, rather than because they fear punishment for doing what is wrong.

Then, between 2-½ and almost 4 years, self-awareness and humility may be “wired up” as these young preschoolers mine the Treasure of Faith. Just beginning to understand the world’s mechanisms for social and mechanical operation, and only just beginning to learn to read culture’s symbol systems, these children are also learning to be pulled into life by inspiration, rather than driven by fear or greed…or they are not.

As caregivers respectfully listen and respond to the “impossible” Big Dreams of these children, sparkling with the wonder and awe common at this age, they also connect neural networks that foster a life-long sense of curiosity and exploration. They can link up the brain architecture that will ensure children remain full of a respectful sense of connection to everything and everyone in the universe, simply by supporting children’s efforts to achieve the impossible. Adults who quash children’s sense of miracle at this tender age create a child who is self-focused, rather than self-aware. They create the ridiculous disease of “affluenza,” recently in the news, as the alternative to humble gratitude.

Now, you may be thinking, "Hey, not me. I don't threaten or control my kids." All I can say is that I wouldn't have thought I did, either. Here are a few specific adult behaviors and what, when these types of behavior are consistent and regular, they teach children. These are our adult lessons on the basics of bullying:

Caregiver’s “Teaching”	Bullying 101 Lessons Learned
Feed or change an infant while talking on phone or otherwise distracted; general lack of focused attention when interacting with infant	Disregard for others’ presence, ignoring someone in need of nurture or relationship, is okay Whether I’m here or not is irrelevant; I have no innate value…therefore nobody else does
Allow infant to cry in distress, with no response, such as “crying herself to sleep”	What I need doesn’t matter…therefore, what others need also doesn’t matter
Suddenly snatching crawling baby from behind to remove him from his interest/plan (controlling) Tell a toddler “NO!” and smack her hand away from touching something (ditto)	What I want/am interested in doesn’t matter…therefore what others want…. A loud voice and physical violence are effective and acceptable ways to control others’ behavior; in fact, it’s called “loving and protecting”
Yelling, name calling (e.g., “you little brat”), threatening (e.g., “Don’t make me come in there!”) or other verbal meanness, and spanking or other hitting, as “discipline” for toddlers and preschoolers	Physically or emotionally hurting someone else is okay…therefore I can hurt others AND… It is a valid form of expression for anger or disapproval; there is no need to manage anger

Of course, young children cannot articulate these lessons or even be aware that they have learned them. And, yet, they have not only learned but deeply embedded these lessons; they are codified in their neural networks. Every interaction a young child has with her social world connects up “loose” neurons in her developing brain. The architecture of the brain is literally created by parenting, child care, and other primary influences. We not only teach, but actually hardwire bullying into our children.

Child bullies grow up to be adult bullies. And the easiest person to
 bully is somebody smaller and weaker than you…a child. In fact, most adults are completely unaware that they are bullying children because it is the norm in American culture. They are unaware of the impact of these actions, and are simply acting out their own early childhood lessons, by rote. They, too, had their brains hardwired by such interactions with their parents and other caregivers. Kids don't come with instruction manuals and nobody teaches us child development before we become adult caregivers of these little beings. So, we do what we know, what we've seen other parents do, what we've experienced in our families. Unfortunately, our own parents did that same "winging it" job, acting out their parents' lessons, maybe with a tweak here and there.

Breaking the cycle starts with me, then you. Culture-wide change always starts with a small group of committed individuals.
 

We adults can, and must, stop teaching children:  

• To disregard others’ feelings and needs when we disregard theirs
• To control others with verbal aggression—such as mocking and minimizing, name calling, threats, and harsh commands—as we control them in these ways
• That physical aggression—hitting and manhandling—is acceptable human interaction, as we hit and manhandle them.

It is never too late for each of us to change our programming, redirect our behavior patterns, and rewire our brains. Only by changing ourselves can we interrupt this generational perpetuation of bullying each other.

My “recovering bully” work began and continues through a return to the early childhood task, which I didn't complete way back then, of mining, cutting, and polishing my 7 Childhood Treasures:  Trust, Independence, Faith, Negotiation, Vision, Compromise, and Acceptance. The good news is that it's never too late to start the process again. The ores lie waiting, and a treasure chest full of these shining capacities for mutual, respectful, emotionally-intimate relationships is my antidote and preventative to bullying children….and other adults in my world.

Care to join me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Saturday February 13th, from 1:00 to 3:30 PM, I will offer "The 7 Childhood Treasures and How They Grow" at the Center for Spiritual Living in St. Louis (Creve Coeur). Call 314-576-6772 to register in advance:  $20 + additional love offering on-site, if you find the work of  greater value. See my website events page for details.