Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how do you fight?

Had a fight lately? I've been witness to a few lately, or heard the aftermath reports of them. I'm not talking about a physical fight, from which wounds often heal quickly, but a verbal fight, which can inflict wounds that never heal. These are the fights in which words, tone of voice, facial expression and body language take the place of fists and feet that bruise the body. Verbal fights can bruise the spirit, the mind and the heart, sometimes invisibly. Have you had that kind of fight with someone you care about in the past few months? Past few weeks? Past few days? If you have verbal fights with your friends and loved ones on a regular basis, then the 7 Childhood Treasures have some wisdom for you.

First, the wisdom of childhood has taught me that fights, in and of themselves, do not harm a relationship. Bringing to the surface and then working through the issues that come up are necessary features of all relationships. Disagreements and misunderstandings (AKA "fights") can result in stronger, more durable relationships for family members, friends, and couples. Whether conflict leads to healing and growth or creates an un-crossable chasm of pain depends on how you fight.

So how do you fight? Do you do it consciously, with the intention to heal an issue? Or do you let your fight explode from your gut, which you've allowed to twist into a knot over several hours, days, weeks or longer? Do you express your feelings from your perspective, or do you tell the other person who they are, what they think, how they feel, and what's wrong about all of that? Do you listen with respect to the other person's point of view, or do you try to shoot it down, demeaning it as less valid than your perspective?

My recent observations have led me to look at the ways we fight -- "dirty" and "clean" -- and to think about the Childhood Treasures that make the difference. Here's what I've observed....

Fighting dirty usually contains several of the following:  loud voices, big gestures with arms or whole body, name calling, dismissing or demeaning the other person's comments (e.g., "That's ridiculous!"), threats of physical violence or abandonment, changing the subject to shift attention from the topic (especially, turning the focus from one's own behavior to someone else's), intensely angry-sounding or contemptuous tone of voice, "sandbagging" (bringing up past, unresolved issues that are not part of the current conflict), and an intention to fix blame or create shame. Sometimes fighting dirty boils down to simply refusing to talk. The "silent treatment" is just as dirty as shouting and name calling.


Elements of fighting clean include:  honest expression of emotion mostly through calm words, rather than through volume and gesture; listening for understanding, rather than for a chance to dispute points; mutual respect for different perspectives; negotiation of a win-win solution; and an intention to heal the conflict. (That last one is, I believe, the most important feature of a clean fight!)

Several of the 7 Childhood Treasures are contributors

to the ability to fight clean, rather than dirty. The ability to resolve conflicts in a healthy, growth-oriented way with loved ones (and even co-workers you don't like much) relies on the Treasures of Trust, Independence, Negotiation, Compromise and Acceptance. You can change your fights from destructive and damaging to constructive and healing by adding one or more of these five gemstones to your Treasure Chest.

Before we get to those Treasures, though, the most important feature of a clean "fight" is beginning with the intention for greater wholeness in the relationship. If your partner spoke to you in a way that hurt your feelings, then you begin with the intention to heal those hurt feelings. If your friend wasn't there for you at a key moment when you needed support, then you begin with the intention to strengthen your relationship so that she will be there for you the next time you need support...and so that you can be there for her the next time she needs it.

Trust: Before you bring up your concerns, hurt feelings, or issues, take a deep breath and find your awareness of the ways in which you trust the other person. For what do you trust this person? Honesty? Kindness? Listening to you without judgment? Laughing at your jokes? If you can think of at least one positive and supportive aspect of the way this person shows up in your life, at least 90% of the time, then hold that thought as you bring up what is bothering you. If you cannot think of even one positive and supportive attribute for which you trust this person, then you have some deeper work to do before you can learn to "fight clean" with him or her.

Independence: Next, remind yourself that you and your loved one have separate thoughts, feelings, and needs, and that your loved one cannot know what yours are unless you communicate them clearly, in words. Likewise, you can't really know what your loved one thinks, feels and needs until you hear those clearly communicated in words. Some useful tools to carry into your conversation include the phrases, "I need help understanding how you feel/what you want," and any statement that begins "I feel..." and ends with the name of an emotion. (For the latter you can keep it simple by choosing one of the four basic emotions: glad, sad, mad or scared.) Drop any statement that begins with "You (or you should) feel/think/want....," and watch out for the sneaky, "I feel that you...." My rule for myself is that statements that begin "I feel" can only be three words long, and the third one must be a name for an emotion. "I feel angry." "I feel confused." "I feel sad." Another of my rules for myself is that statements of the other person's emotions can only come from that person. I can ask, "How are you feeling right now?" but I cannot name the other person's emotional state. (No, I'm not perfect; sometimes my rules get lost in the moment. I just keep striving to live by them.)

Negotiation: Speak clearly what you want and ask your beloved to do the same...and be realistic. These are the only paths to a win-win solution where you both get what you want. You can't get what you want if you won't name it. You can't choose to give what your friend or partner wants unless s/he tells you what it is. And the things you want from each other have to be within the bounds of reason. Any version of "I want you to be a completely different person" isn't going to fly. "I want you to spend more time with me" and "I want you to text me whenever you know you're going to be late" are within reason.

Compromise: The Rolling Stones said it best: "You can't always get what you want...but if you try, sometimes you might find you get what you need." The Childhood Treasure of Compromise reminds us that when each of us wants several things from the other, we each may need to give up some of what we want to get whatever is most important to us. Compromise is the source of creative solutions. The need to compromise can lead to a deeper understanding of each others' motivations or interests. Maybe you want the last orange for the zest and I want it for the juice, so we can both have what we want, if we time the order of use correctly! Maybe there IS a way for us all three to swing on this one swing...together!

Acceptance: This Childhood Treasure is the hardest to...well, accept. First, Acceptance as a Treasure is challenging to mine and polish because it relies on a Treasure Chest that is full of the other six Childhood Treasures. Secondly, it asks us to let go--of hurt feelings, of past transgressions, of guilt or shame, of resentment about things we want and can't have, of self-pity for our victimization at the hands of others--of so many things to which we seem to want to hold on tight. As you listen to your friend, family member or partner, you may come to realize that some of what you want from this person is not within her or his capacity to give you. Accepting this truth and moving on toward greater wholeness in the relationship is what this Treasure asks of you. Acceptance is not the same as giving up on someone or on a relationship; it is simply accepting the reality of who that person is, and loving him or her as that person.

Next time you feel a fight coming on, will you pause and prepare for a moment, to make it a "clean fight"? When you bring your Trust, your Independence, a willingness to Negotiate and Compromise, and an ability to Accept reality into your next fight, you may find that the "fight" transforms into a conversation that brings you closer to your loved one.

Let us know how it goes, okay?