Cortical fiction

Friends, family members and colleagues, all day and every day, say stuff and do stuff. Sometimes I smile in gratitude. Other times I bristle with defensive anger, nod in agreement, tip my head in confusion, recoil in pain, laugh in appreciation.... I bet your life rolls along pretty much like this, too, eh? People do and say stuff and you react with thoughts and feelings, right? Maybe you express them carefully and intentionally, after a little processing time; maybe they burst out of you without much forethought; maybe you think you retain them behind a poker face, revealing nothing.

Whatever, dude. Literally.

Whatever you do or say is not about what they said or did, and vice versa. What they say and do is, likewise, not about you.

Having trouble accepting this truth? Consider the human neo-cortex for a moment. It's the culprit in this continuous human comedy.

Other species have this great little system going:  sensory input in, reaction out. Everything their environment communicates is received in unadulterated form and linked to its correct, instinctual, response. Not us humans, though; we're more complicated. Like other mammals, we've got a cortex. But we've got this fine, big, special cortex, different from that found in other mammals. We've got a huge section of our brain that is dedicated to interpretation and storytelling.

Other mammals are, undoubtedly, intelligent. Other mammals communicate. But nobody else on the planet does fiction like we do. We homo sapiens write stories, novels, poetry, opera, plays, TV scripts; drama, comedy, tragedy, adventure.... And we do it all with that big fat cortex. Even those among us who do not classify ourselves with the labels of "writer" or "storyteller" are naturals. We tell stories all day long, if only to ourselves.

In our species, the system goes like this:  sensory input in, filters activated, meaning created, reaction out. And the system is really fast, so we're not even aware that we've filtered the input and created a meaning before we react. We think we know what the sensory input was, that we can recall it accurately and describe it objectively. Sorry. That's just a story you're telling yourself. Where do you think the timeless "Yes, you did!" / "No, I didn't!" argument originated?

People do and say stuff and, the truth is, before we're even aware of it, our neo-cortices have transformed that sensory input into events in the scripts for our individual personal plays in which we are the stars. Twelve observers, 12 stories; six observers, six stories. Never mind that what we observed was originally a line or bit of stage business in someone else's script, some other person's personal play in which s/he is the star. You say "to-may-to" and, in less time than the blink of my eye, I think it's about me and my "to-mah-to."

As a wise woman once said to me, "There is no great video camera in the sky that we can rewind for an accurate review of what happened." Truth be told, even a video camera has only one perspective on a complex, multi-dimensional occurrence. Only one thing can you be sure of. Whatever the camera could have recorded, and whatever actually happened, neither are about you!

Other people in your life are acting from an internal story about you that bears little resemblance to your story about you. They are living out a story about themselves that has virtually nothing in common with your story about them. Don't try to figure it out. Don't kid yourself that if you work hard enough, ask enough questions about what they mean, observe intently enough, you'll one day have objectivity. Forget it...and don't worry about it.

Human relationships can go on without us understanding each other. We're not really meant to, so you can relax about that "need." Your life path is really about coming to understand your own stories and changing the ones that create barriers to a successful life full of purpose and joy. That's it.

Can you still listen to, observe and learn from others? Of course. Do they have things to say about you that might help you on your path of understanding and changing your unhelpful stories? You bet! Just remember: don't believe everything you see and hear. It's all cortical fiction.