Good Enough?

I saw the movie Boyhood not long ago. Made across 12 years, the film chronicles some of the life events of a fictional boy as he ages from about 8 years of age to about 20 at the end. From 3^rd grade to college, we literally watch this boy grow up during

the 3-hour movie. As fiction – this movie is not a documentary – the film is an outstanding story, full of the kind of gritty realism that touches my soul. As a treatise on child development and the impact of adults’ interactions with kids, this movie is nothing short of brilliant.

Since then, I have been pondering the messages of the movie, as they relate to the 7 Childhood Treasures. We start our view of this child’s world after he has moved through those first seven years of his life. Is there any way to tell how well he did, gathering his trove of Treasures? Can we see evidence of how well his parents supported him in these crucial early years?



We learn quickly that his father has abandoned family responsibilities for the adventures of Alaska. Mom uproots her son and his older sister to move closer to their grandmother, for support of her plan to go back to school. Dad returns from Alaska soon after this relocation, and remains in their lives as an every-other-weekend-visitation parent. Over the boy’s late childhood and adolescence, Mom meets, partners with, and then leaves two more men, one an abusive drunk and one a bitter vet who likely lost his soul somewhere in the Middle East. Each time, the kids lose their home, their friends, their schools, and even step-siblings. Their biological father grows up emotionally, gets a boring job and stable income, and marries again.

On its surface, this looks like a family life full of trauma and pain, one guaranteed to “mess up” the kids for life. But it does not.

As I watched what appeared, at first and on the surface, to be a couple of screw-ups as parents, here’s what I saw below the surface:

• They were present to their kids, listening to them and really seeing them.
• They expressed their love, simply and often.
• They supported their children in all the ways the kids chose to express themselves – purple hair, long hair, and other such small rebellions – without shaming them.
• They were honest and authentic about their struggles, without trying to turn their kids into their parents or therapists.

The fact that less-than-perfect parents can still manage to deliver on these essentials is, for me, a validation of the theory of “good enough” parents.* These are the kinds of approaches to parenting that help children mine the raw ores within them, cutting, shaping, and polishing them into the 7Childhood Treasures. In the movie, these parenting assets stand out in stark contrast to the mean-spirited belittling, shaming, and bullying by other adults in the boy’s life. At the end, the boy in Boyhood appears to be maturing into an emotionally-balanced and productive young adult, who will contribute positively to society.

So, to all you parents reading this:  perfection is not necessary; just keep striving to be a real person and treat your child as one – a real person who has as much value as you do, and deserves the same respect as any adult – and you just may be “good enough.”

Oh, yes, and go see Boyhood, if you can!

*I almost laughed aloud when I saw the name of the author of the theory of good enough parenting, John Bowlby, writ large on the chalkboard behind our boy's mom, as she taught a psych class in her new role as community college instructor, following her pursuit of education and a better job.