Confidentially, let me tell you the latest...

Why is it so hard to know something that only I know, something told me in confidence? How can the urge to share it, even with just one highly-trusted individual, so frequently overwhelm my good intentions and good judgment?

You've done this, right? When have you revealed to another something told you in confidence? Maybe

only once, or maybe a long time ago, but you've done it, haven't you? Maybe your violation of confidentiality ignited a giant firestorm of interpersonal betrayal and damaged relationships. Maybe nobody ever found out. Maybe you felt guilty for days, weeks, months or years afterward. Maybe you still carry the guilt decades later. Maybe you forgave yourself or were forgiven by the one whose confidence you betrayed. Maybe you've convinced yourself that it "wasn't a big deal."

Regardless of level of guilt felt or forgiveness sought, are you ready to explore, with deep honesty, the whys of that mistake? Will you join me in seeking to understand the humanity of our poor choices, so that we can make better ones in the future? The 7 Childhood Treasures have some wisdom to offer you. Can you bear to see, with the gentle eyes of your heart, what has driven you to betray those who trusted you with private information?

If not, move on to some other blog post. If so, proceed at your own risk. Deep honesty has been known to cause serious reflection, personal revelation, and change.

First, to honestly examine the cause of any misbehavior, I have to admit that it is misbehavior. If, up until now, I've been defending the mistaken behavior of repeating information that was shared in confidence, then it's time to admit that it was wrong. Defending. Defensiveness...let's take a short detour here. What does your defensive behavior look like? Mine has lots of words and logic and carefully lined-up arguments to convince me (and you, of course) of the righteousness of my choices.

Your defending may look like angry blame of the others involved (either the person who confided in you or the one to whom you revealed the confidence). Your defensiveness may be a weepy justification based on how damaged you are/were; maybe you explain how confused or hurt or needy you were when you made this poor choice or maybe you blame your behavior on all the pressures you were coping with at that time. Your defensiveness may simply have been a stonily silent refusal to even look at the choice you made; the "I did nothing wrong and I'm not discussing it" approach to defending yourself. Maybe, every time the subject "comes up" in your mind, you just change the subject.

The Childhood Treasure of Independence knows that defending anything is a sure sign that you see it as weak. Strengths, like honesty, kindness, love, and integrity, never need defending. It's only when I 1) fear that you will hurt me, or 2) fear that I may not be on the right side of life that I get defensive. (It's also true that defensiveness has become a way of life for some; they just defend everything, as their default.) So, if you can see that you've been defending, in any way, your choice to violate a confidence, begin by letting that defense go. Allow yourself to say these words out loud, if only to yourself: "I violated someone's confidence and that was a mistake. My behavior was wrong...and I'm okay."

Step one is out of the way: admission of wrong behavior; check. Now for the honest examination of the why. Why would you, why would I, why would anyone violate the confidence of someone we love? The equation is a pretty simple one: MK<MS. (The motivation to keep the confidence, or MK, is less than the motivation to share it, or MS.) If you are more motivated to share the information than to hold it in confidence, then you'll share it. The rewards for violating confidentiality must seem greater than the rewards for keeping the confidence intact. Here are a few possibilities on each side of that equation:

Some rewards for maintaining a confidence

• Feel good about my integrity, loyalty; I'm at peace with my behavior, maybe even proud of myself
• I feel no guilt, shame or fear of being discovered
• Passively affirms my relationship with whoever shared the confidence (it's rare that a friend will periodically thank you for maintaining a confidence, so the affirmation of the friendship is only internal)

Some rewards for violating a confidence

• Reveals your superior power and position as you share information others don't have; shows you to be someone "in the know," someone who is "important"
• Builds an appearance of connection or intimacy with the person with whom you share the confidence (even though that connection/intimacy may be false or shallow, especially compared to the connection you share with the friend who first spoke with you in confidence)
• Creates that thrill of excitement that comes from knowing you're doing something wrong and that you may be caught (but you're sure you won't be)
• Creates drama and makes life more exciting

Can you think of other rewards for either list? What are they? Now, honestly, which one(s) from the second list sounds like the reason you violated confidentiality? None of them is very pretty, eh? It's hard to admit that I am motivated by these kinds of rewards. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you own one of these motivations as yours? I suggest that you let that feeling go. Motivation by rewards such as these is very human ... if that human is one who did not get the support he needed as a toddler to mine and polish up the gemstone of Independence.

The "trend lines" of these two lists is that the first set of rewards are internal -- they are about self-

satisfaction -- and the second set is external -- they are about connecting with others. The Childhood Treasure of Independence is what helps you feel sufficiently satisfied by internal rewards. With Independence as a gem in your treasure chest of spirit, you don't need to create power, intimacy, excitement or drama to feel okay about who you are. You have boundaries that contain your self worth, so you don't need affirmation through these external rewards. (Click here for a simple tool to assess your current boundaries.)

Okay. Deep honesty session over. You've looked inside and "faced the monster" of your own past behavior. All that remains is to gently reach out and pull the face off that monster, for it is nothing more than a mask. That misbehavior is just another form of defensiveness. De-monster it and reveal who you really are: a terrific human being who has a need for stronger boundaries, and greater awareness of and value for your self worth. All that remains is to take steps to achieve those goals and be on your way to a successful life full of purpose and joy!