Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how do you fight?

Had a fight lately? I've been witness to a few lately, or heard the aftermath reports of them. I'm not talking about a physical fight, from which wounds often heal quickly, but a verbal fight, which can inflict wounds that never heal. These are the fights in which words, tone of voice, facial expression and body language take the place of fists and feet that bruise the body. Verbal fights can bruise the spirit, the mind and the heart, sometimes invisibly. Have you had that kind of fight with someone you care about in the past few months? Past few weeks? Past few days? If you have verbal fights with your friends and loved ones on a regular basis, then the 7 Childhood Treasures have some wisdom for you.

First, the wisdom of childhood has taught me that fights, in and of themselves, do not harm a relationship. Bringing to the surface and then working through the issues that come up are necessary features of all relationships. Disagreements and misunderstandings (AKA "fights") can result in stronger, more durable relationships for family members, friends, and couples. Whether conflict leads to healing and growth or creates an un-crossable chasm of pain depends on how you fight.

So how do you fight? Do you do it consciously, with the intention to heal an issue? Or do you let your fight explode from your gut, which you've allowed to twist into a knot over several hours, days, weeks or longer? Do you express your feelings from your perspective, or do you tell the other person who they are, what they think, how they feel, and what's wrong about all of that? Do you listen with respect to the other person's point of view, or do you try to shoot it down, demeaning it as less valid than your perspective?

My recent observations have led me to look at the ways we fight -- "dirty" and "clean" -- and to think about the Childhood Treasures that make the difference. Here's what I've observed....

Confidentially, let me tell you the latest...

Why is it so hard to know something that only I know, something told me in confidence? How can the urge to share it, even with just one highly-trusted individual, so frequently overwhelm my good intentions and good judgment?

You've done this, right? When have you revealed to another something told you in confidence? Maybe

only once, or maybe a long time ago, but you've done it, haven't you? Maybe your violation of confidentiality ignited a giant firestorm of interpersonal betrayal and damaged relationships. Maybe nobody ever found out. Maybe you felt guilty for days, weeks, months or years afterward. Maybe you still carry the guilt decades later. Maybe you forgave yourself or were forgiven by the one whose confidence you betrayed. Maybe you've convinced yourself that it "wasn't a big deal."

Regardless of level of guilt felt or forgiveness sought, are you ready to explore, with deep honesty, the whys of that mistake? Will you join me in seeking to understand the humanity of our poor choices, so that we can make better ones in the future? The 7 Childhood Treasures have some wisdom to offer you. Can you bear to see, with the gentle eyes of your heart, what has driven you to betray those who trusted you with private information?

If not, move on to some other blog post. If so, proceed at your own risk. Deep honesty has been known to cause serious reflection, personal revelation, and change.