Is There Love Enough for Me?

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Remember how you experienced this day in childhood? My own childhood was, perhaps, longer ago that some of yours, so my experience may be different from yours. In my middle class elementary school, each child decorated a shoe box with tissue and construction paper hearts in red, pink, lavender and white, adding touches of lace-like paper doilies, if we were lucky enough to have some.Through a slot in the box's lid, our classmates dropped small white envelopes containing their offerings of love and friendship. Inside each envelope, an image of a cowboy, princess, space ranger or ballerina asked, "Will you be my valentine?"

Back then, teachers did not require that every child give a valentine to every other child, as I believe most do today. Perhaps adults in the late 1950s and early 60s were not so concerned that a child's self-esteem is fragile and must be protected from all negative experience. What I remember is that there was always a moment of noticing that some child in my class had not given me a valentine. There was that momentary heartache of thinking, "S/he doesn't like me."

Moments like this were just one source of confirmation of a "Truth" I thought I knew: there is not enough love for me to have my share. What was your childhood belief about love and its availability to you? What is your belief today? Is there love enough for you?

The Childhood Treasure of Independence calls to me on this day after Valentine's Day, to share what it knows of love's availability. I've decided to give Independence its voice today and hope you enjoy this interview....

Dr. Scott: At first glance, Independence and Love may seem unrelated, even at cross-purposes. If I'm independent then I am  not connected to others or their love, right?

Independence: Being independent isn't the same as being isolated. I want you to be independent so that you can be truly connected to others. I want you to feel the joy of deep emotional connection to others, so first you have to discover your independence.

Dr. Scott. Wait a minute. Each of us, when we were born, already had that deep connection to another. In fact, we were so connected, we didn't know where we ended and our mother/father/caregiver began. Why require us to separate from that bond at all?

Independence: Can one point make a connection with itself? It takes two to tango, they say, and it takes two to make a connection. The infant You's concept was for only one point in space and time, one individual, that encompassed both you and your primary caregiver. That's not connection; that's enmeshment; that's an undifferentiated One.

Dr. Scott: So what's wrong with that? It sounds like the ideal relationship! We are completely merged: you know and feel everything I know and feel. You know what I want and provide it instantly. Now there is a relationships in which I'm assured of enough love!

Independence: If that were true, then why is each of us programmed to start, at birth, a process of individuating, of discovering who we are as an individual, separate from others? We may all be One in Divine Spirit, but our human bodies, minds, needs and feelings are each a separate package called self.

Dr. Scott: But can't two separate selves be so closely merged as to eliminate the need for Independence? Can't two be so close that we are like one, capable of reading each others' minds and hearts?

Independence: I would say that the capacity to "read each others' minds and hearts" requires independence, rather than eliminates the need for it.. For how can there be an "other" mind or heart to read, unless there are two individuals?

Dr. Scott: I have defined Independence, as a Childhood Treasure, as the awareness of where you end and the rest of the world begins, in the sense of physical manifestation.

Independence: Indeed, unless you have that awareness, you cannot connect to another. You cannot be an inter-dependent partner in any relationship unless, first, you know that you are there. It's the belief that you're not there, not a separate being with thoughts, feelings and desires of your own, that keeps you believing that there is not enough love for you.

Dr. Scott: I think I hear you saying that, without Independence, I cannot see or feel the love coming from friends and loved ones because I can't see them as separate from me? There is no other from whom the love can come, until I see me and thee as two, not one. Is that it?

Independence: Yes, that's it! (And very poetically stated, too!) There is no other from whom the love can come, until I see me and thee as two, not one. Without Independence, you feel your need for love but cannot feel love coming in from elsewhere...because there is no elsewhere. There is only you and your need.

Dr. Scott: So, there is always enough love for me, as long as I know that there are others who can share it with me. Seems simple enough...there they are, those others, all around me. I see them all day long and I know they are not me.

Independence: Do you? Do you, really? The ones who are close to you -- spouses/partners, family, friends, co-workers -- do you expect them to know what you're thinking before you say it, know how you feel before you tell them, know what you want before you ask for it? Maybe intellectually you don't have these expectations. What does your behavior say?

Dr. Scott: Well, I have been known to dramatize my feelings -- sighing and frowning or pouting -- while I wait for someone to acknowledge them and respond appropriately. I have thought to myself that, if someone really loved me, s/he would know what I want....

Independence: Exactly! There we are again at that belief that others can read our hearts and minds. Here's my super-power as a Childhood Treasure: I know that others are only making a best guess when they "read" me. Sometimes they're correct and sometimes they're not. I know that the only way others for sure know what's going on inside my mind and heart is if I tell them.

Dr. Scott: Got it! If I want to see that there is enough love for me, then I must ask for it. That's a pretty big risk. What if I ask and I am rejected?

Independence: Well, that's the best possible outcome, isn't it? You can stop going to a well that's dry...but you can only find out that the well is dry by trying to drink from it. If you stand in front of it, eternally waiting for it to notice your unexpressed desire, your thirst will certainly never be quenched. Once you discover that its dry, you can look for another well to try.

Dr. Scott: Oh! I just had an epiphany! Of course there's enough love for me. There are aquifers of love flowing abundantly, with many wells tapping them. I might just be standing in front of a dry well, or maybe one with a broken mechanism for bringing love to the surface. If I recognize that I am ME and not a part of the well, then I can drink from other wells.

Independence: And so it is, my friend. And so it is.