If only I could trust you....

Got Trust?

Not as obvious as a white stripe across your upper lip, there are still visible signs of your answer. In your furrowed brow, your hunched shoulders, your crossed arms or hesitant voice, I can see that your infant self did not get what s/he needed to mine the Childhood Treasure of Trust. In your open smile, freedom of movement, and easy laughter with strangers, I can also see when your treasure chest overflows with this gemstone.

Those of you with the furrowed brow, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and hesitant voice all believe that you are justified in your stance. You've learned from experience, haven't you? The world is not a place for trust. People have let you down, betrayed you, left you twisting in the wind. Maybe a few have earned your trust...and they had to work darn hard at it, because you're not an easy sell, are you? And even a few of them -- maybe most of them -- in the end, lost your trust. As one non-truster I know put it, "It takes a long time to earn my trust and it can be lost in a moment, by a single action."

Hogwash, I say!


My trust in you begins the first time you are "there for me" in any way. Maybe you simply do what you say you'll do, show up when you say you will, listen when I talk about something important to me, or smile at me when I walk into the room. At that point, I have at least some measure of trust that you can repeat that pattern again. Your part, being trustworthy, is easy: you simply meet a need I have. The more times you do that, the more I trust you to meet that need. Mine is the trickier part: I have to know what my needs are and notice when they're met.

Your capacity for the Childhood Treasure of Trust had its first chance to develop in the first year of your life. Back then, you were just a little bundle of needs at the most basic level of survival. You needed to be fed, kept warm and safe from harm, you needed to sleep and interact with other humans regularly. These needs seem simple and straightforward but they are not always easy for new parents to meet, especially if their lives are disrupted by complexities like a job, post-partum depression, financial worry, marital disharmony.... There are more subtle disruptions, like bad parenting advice and fatigue, and more obvious ones, like drug and alcohol abuse/addiction.

The adults who cared for you in your first months of life may not have been responsive enough to your needs to help you mine the raw ore of Trust and polish it up for a lifetime of healthy trust in your friends and loved ones. But it's not too late! You can still develop Trust now. Your first task is to know what you need from people. No, not money and cars and other Stuff. You must identify what you need, emotionally and socially, from those with whom you spend your days.

Here are some of mine, which may help you get started on your list:

• I need some of those persons with whom I live and work to show me positive regard: to smile or otherwise show that they are glad to see me when I walk into the room
• I need someone in my life who will listen to me rant sometimes, without trying to fix my problem, just verbally "patting" me with some version of  "Oh! poor baby!"
• I need someone to metaphorically and lovingly kick my butt when I'm being an idiot.
• I need physical affection: hugs, an easy and relaxed arm across my shoulder or around my waist, sitting shoulder to shoulder while watching TV....

Okay, that's enough for now. My list is long and yours probably is, too. I encourage you to make that list. Figure out what it is you need...and be specific. Rather than listing "Respect" as something you need, identify what it is, exactly, that someone else does that leaves you feeling respected (maybe "listen to me without interrupting"). I invite you to work on this list of your interpersonal needs for a couple of weeks, adding something to it every day, from among those things that you needed and got from someone that day, or those things that you noticed you needed because you didn't get them.

Once you have your list, start noticing who in your life is capable of meeting these needs. No one person will be likely to be able to meet them all, but almost everyone among your friends and loved ones likely can meet at least one of these interpersonal needs. Who "goes with" what need? Who's the friend who listens without judgment, at least 85-90% of the time? (You're not perfect at meeting others' needs, so why should anyone else be?) Who can you count on, most of the time, to give you a warm hug upon seeing you?

Noticing this pattern of your needs and who meets them is the beginning of mining your Treasure of Trust. Letting your friends and loved ones have a bad day now and then, when they fail to meet your needs, without completely abandoning your trust in them, is the next step.

Go ahead, take a sip of Trust. Warning: you may find that the smile on your face is harder to wipe off than a milk mustache.