Is it really love?

I hear "I love you" all the time. I have heard it from my friends and family members. I have heard it from my romantic partners and spouses. I hear it spoken between others when it is not directed at me. I teach about it in my workshop, The Power of Love.

Sometimes these words are tossed lightly, perhaps to close a conversation -- "Love ya! Bye!." Sometimes, they are lifted tenderly in the cupped and trembling hands of vulnerability, with an intensity that vibrates the air around and the earth beneath those connected by the beauty of the moment. Many of us tell others we love them and are told we are loved often, or very often. Others of us yearn to hear the words.

Even if we hear it often and with seeming sincerity, we may not be sure of its reality. How do you know when "I love you" is just words and when it is really love?


I first learned M. Scott Peck's definition of love a decade ago when I read bell hooks' All About Love (2000). She quoted Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled (1978): “Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth...." Peck's words go on, "Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action." I am particularly struck by that last phrase, defining an act of will as both intention and action. So if you intend to love me but your actions including continuing to say or do things that hurt me, even after I have told you they are hurtful, is that really love?

When you excuse your actions with, "that's just the way I am" or "that's the way I was raised," aren't you telling me that you are not willing to extend yourself for the purpose of nurturing me? You can say you love me; that's the easy part of relationship. Actually loving me requires an act of will that goes beyond the words, even beyond the intention behind the words. The verb of love requires you to make choices that move you away from what is easy and comfortable. Love asks you to grow into someone other than your "default" self, which was shaped by your family's dysfunctions, however minor or major, and your early developmental wounds.

Real love requires you to change how you treat me.

In the framework of the 7 Childhood Treasures, real love is not possible without the first two Treasures, Trust and Independence. A strong Treasure of Trust allows you to be vulnerable, to know that you need others, that you have needs that must be met by others. A strong Treasure of Independence allows you receive and give real love without losing yourself in another or requiring them to lose themselves in you. This Treasure is the immunization against co-dependence. Together these two Treasures enable all relationships. They are the essential ingredients for choice, for intention, and for the actions of growing in spirit and nurturing the spiritual growth of others.

I invite you to look at the relationships in your life through this lens. Do you have emotional needs that are met by each other? Is there mutually-supported growth? Are you each enabling the other become the best individuals you can be, without controlling or "helping?" Is each of you being supported in stretching beyond the easy, knee-jerk reactions to life that you've learned so far, into thoughtful, heartfelt, responsible (response-able) choices? That is:  is s/he, and are you, learning to pause, breathe, and think/feel into the likely impact of your default words and actions, so that you can respond from love, rather than react from your long-held defenses?

Is there both listening and responding? That is, when you tell someone that teasing you about your lifestyle or appearance is hurtful, do they listen to you AND stop teasing you? When your friend, family member or loved one tells you that s/he needs you to stop texting and give eye contact to show your attention, do you listen AND do you stop texting and give eye contact...not just that one time but every time in the future?

If you can't say yes to any of these questions, then is it really love?