Sure! You can be 2 at any age!

Everyone knows at least this one fact about child development: a child grows up. Right? A child develops, transforms over time, and becomes...what? Each of us developed from a child to an adult, correct? Everyone knows that!

Actually, maybe is a more accurate answer. Some of us only developed partially. Some parts of us grew to adulthood, while others stayed young. Maybe only the body grew up, and other capacities stayed as they were at age two, or four, or six.

So, what happens when my two-year-old emotions start to run the show in my adult life? I pout and cry to manipulate you with guilt. I yell and thrash in a tantrum to manipulate you with fear (of my anger). I go silent and limp to manipulate you with abandonment.. Get the theme? I manipulate you...at least, I try. 

Just yesterday somebody tried it on me. The pout didn't look much like a child's pout. In fact, this 70-something-year-old woman had a smile on her face. She gave her pout a voice, "So, if I'm not included, that's okay." And then she just stood there, smiling, waiting...waiting for my guilt to work on me, waiting for me to say, "Oh, of course we'll include you!"

And I didn't.

I just smiled back.

I've witnessed enough toddler manipulations -- in people from ages 2, to 20 to, now, 70 -- to recognize them in their myriad forms. And I believe I have become immune to them. The powerful antidote is what my therapist of many years ago called boundaries. It took me a while to figure out what those were, as I didn't have any.

Don't be fooled by common usage of this word as inter-changeable with limits. Boundaries are not about saying something is not okay with you, as in, "I set a boundary and told him he couldn't call me anymore." Boundaries are about knowing who you are and who you aren't. What's IN you and what's OUT of you. Your skin is an obvious, visible boundary that separates all that comprises your body from all that does not. It's a pretty good model, because it's solid, yet permeable enough to let in some good stuff that you need, like sunshine, and let out some useless stuff you no longer need, like toxins.

Manipulations don't work on me most of the time now because, since those days in therapy, I have a built a pretty good emotional skin. In addition to my physical boundary, I have an emotional one. It, too, is permeable. My emotional skin lets in the impact of others' emotions when I want to be empathetic, to share in the love, joy, even pain of those close to me. My emotional boundary lets out the feelings I want to express and share with others. Most importantly, my emotional skin, this emotional boundary, lets me recognize which feelings are mine and which are yours.

So when you are the one who is pouting, thrashing, or withdrawing, I can simply recognize that you are experiencing some emotions that are making you uncomfortable...and that they are not my emotions. Not knowing how to share them with me honestly, you are acting out, and hoping -- consciously or not -- that I will be manipulated by your theater.

Ahhhh, but now I know the secret! Experiencing uncomfortable emotions, such as frustration, exclusion, and sorrow, is part of life. You're entitled to have these kinds of feelings, and they won't kill you or even cause you long-term harm. And your feelings don't have to invoke any feelings or response in me. I'm okay. And you'll be okay once your pout, tantrum, or withdrawal has ended.

Maybe then we can talk about what's bothering you, like two grown-ups?