Choice and Community

Living in a community—whether of friends, family members or co-workers—requires that I have the ability to find common ground. Whenever I am in a group of two or more, there is diversity; there are diverse interests and ideas. I want something and every other person wants something, too; often, something different from what I want. And each person in a community chooses how to meet those needs. Choice is essential tool for living in community.

Sometimes, I find myself living from or giving voice to the belief that I don’t have choice. In my heart, I know that the power to choose is a fundamental human asset; we all have it, even when we’re not conscious of our choices. Of course, the power of choice has limits and must be viewed in context. I do not have absolute power to remake the world exactly as I desire it (dang!), and not every aspect of who I am is something I freely chose. But even when I am limited by situation or history, the behavior in which I engage, right now in this moment, is always my choice. I can choose what I do and say, with whom I associate, my goals, and my paths to those goals.

Fundamentally, for example, I have the choice to be in any community of which I am a part. Nobody forces me to be in any group I'm in. You may say, “But you  have to go to work, or you have to be with your family. Where is the choice there?” In fact, I don’t have to go to work or be with my family. I can quit my job. I can refuse to visit family members. But these alternative choices have “prices” I may be unwilling to pay. Every choice has an outcome, a consequence. And some of those consequences are ones I may not want to choose. 

One way to strengthen my awareness of this dynamic in my life is to make a list of the things about which I feel I have no choice. Will you join me? Take a moment now to make a short list of up to six of these “have to” parts of your life. Maybe they include: getting up in the morning, going to work, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, paying the bills.... What are some things you do that seem to be non-negotiable? If you’re not sure, listen to your own language. When do you hear yourself saying, “I had to….”

My list is below, and next to each item, I have added what the alternative is. What could you do instead, if there were no unwelcome consequences to that option? Mostly, mine are simply the opposite of the first item I named. Here are some examples:

I have to….                        I could….

Get up in the morning          Sleep as long as I want

Go to work                        Go shopping and catch a movie

Mow the lawn                    Let the grass grow

Once I can see that there is something else I could choose, the final step in this exercise is to identify the consequences that are guiding my choice. If I could get up in the morning or sleep as long as I want, what is it that leads me to choose the former? Is there a negative consequence for sleeping in that  I wish to avoid? Yes, the dogs may make a mess in the house. Is there a positive consequence for going to work, which I want to experience? Yes, I like my regular paychecks.

           Can you begin to see why you are making the choices you are making?