The Whole Secret

"I always enjoy reading your updates," she said. "You're always so positive! How do you do that? How do you stay so positive all the time?" My answer, that my life/spiritual philosophy includes the reality that whatever I put out is what I receive back, was the easy answer in the moment, yet not enough. "Oh, I agree with that," she continued, "but sometimes I just get so angry!"

You slipped away, my friend, before I could respond. The rest of my "secret" of staying positive is that I simply don't care what others do.That sounds callous at first, I know. But let me explain more.

I didn't say I don't care about others. I do! I care deeply about others. I simply "don't care" about their behavior. That is, I don't have expectations for what others should or shouldn't do. I don't have any attachment to their choices. Therefore, I don't have any emotional reactions to those choices. I can't get angry at you if I live in the simple truth that your choices are your own and have nothing to do with me.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll remember that I recently wrote about this Childhood Treasure of Independence as the Buddhism of early childhood.

Independence in relationships is the only alternative to co-dependence (and other ways of trying to control others), or dependence (and other ways of allowing others to control us). Independence is only possible with what clinical psychologists and other counselors refer to as boundaries: the knowledge that who I am is completely separate from who you are...who anyone else is.

I am a unique individual, with my own thoughts (which you do not share or know, unless I share them with you), my own emotions (ditto), my own hopes and dreams (likewise), and my own body (again, mine to share). Nothing I think, feel or do has anything to do with you. It's all about me! Nothing you think, feel or do has anything to do with me, even if you think it does. It's all about you!

Independence is as simple as that. Me. You. Not the same. The living of this awareness can seem a bit more complex.

So many times in my life, I thought I had achieved the state of "boundaried living," only to find myself again enmeshed in another's feelings or buying-in to another's opinion (often one about me). I've decided to accept that I may not yet have perfectly healthy boundaries...and to have a boundary about that. I have let go of expectations about my boundaries being "perfect," whatever that might mean. I just keep exercising my independence, knowing that I am creating optimal boundaries. They're as healthy as they can be right now...and I'll keep exercising them. The workout is a simple one: I just keep reminding myself that your choices, your thoughts, your feelings are not about me.

So, my friend, here's "the rest of the story," as Paul Harvey used to say. I can't get angry at you if your behavior is not a reflection of my worth. I can't get angry at you if your opinions and thoughts are not about me, even when you say they are. I can't get angry at you if your emotional reaction in the moment is not a judgement of my behavior, thoughts or feelings. Once I know that all of that is just an expression of you, all my "reactions" fade away.

So, I keep on exercising my boundaries, like muscles, and this understanding of my separateness gets stronger and stronger. As it does, it allows me to feel closer and closer to my fellow beings, feeling more deeply the great Oneness of which we are all a part. It's an interesting paradox, yes?

The visual metaphor that works best for me is that each of us is a wave upon the face of a vast ocean. Each wave is separate and moving on its own path, following its own cycle of forward momentum and return. And each wave is also a surface expression of the whole ocean.

Separate, independent, and also connected, in unity. That's the whole secret, my friend.