Paying Attention: A Good Investment

Years ago, I wrote, "As much as I love you and as important as your love is to me, I hate you for the central tragedy of our relationship:  that you don't know me at all." This statement was contained within a letter I wrote to my mother but never delivered. When I wrote it, I was feeling the despair of the little girl I once was, who needed her mother to truly see her, to realize the pain she was bearing alone.

There I was, in my 30s, still wanting the mother who could see that her daughter's heart and soul were sick, shriveling, dying. When I was a young child, I was lost, afraid, and overwhelmed by a nightmare life full of dark secrets...and I felt motherless. Facing those childhood secrets as an adult, I was feeling motherless all over again, still yearning for the nurturing, protection, and healing I had longed for as a child. I wanted a mother who cared more about my emotional life than about my career success or how my clothes looked.

Here I am now, decades later, knowing this truth:  I can never go back to get the mothering I needed as a child, but I can get it now. It's never too late to mother ourselves; we have only to begin.

The Whole Secret

"I always enjoy reading your updates," she said. "You're always so positive! How do you do that? How do you stay so positive all the time?" My answer, that my life/spiritual philosophy includes the reality that whatever I put out is what I receive back, was the easy answer in the moment, yet not enough. "Oh, I agree with that," she continued, "but sometimes I just get so angry!"

You slipped away, my friend, before I could respond. The rest of my "secret" of staying positive is that I simply don't care what others do.That sounds callous at first, I know. But let me explain more.

I didn't say I don't care about others. I do! I care deeply about others. I simply "don't care" about their behavior. That is, I don't have expectations for what others should or shouldn't do. I don't have any attachment to their choices. Therefore, I don't have any emotional reactions to those choices. I can't get angry at you if I live in the simple truth that your choices are your own and have nothing to do with me.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll remember that I recently wrote about this Childhood Treasure of Independence as the Buddhism of early childhood.

If only I could trust you....

Got Trust?

Not as obvious as a white stripe across your upper lip, there are still visible signs of your answer. In your furrowed brow, your hunched shoulders, your crossed arms or hesitant voice, I can see that your infant self did not get what s/he needed to mine the Childhood Treasure of Trust. In your open smile, freedom of movement, and easy laughter with strangers, I can also see when your treasure chest overflows with this gemstone.

Those of you with the furrowed brow, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and hesitant voice all believe that you are justified in your stance. You've learned from experience, haven't you? The world is not a place for trust. People have let you down, betrayed you, left you twisting in the wind. Maybe a few have earned your trust...and they had to work darn hard at it, because you're not an easy sell, are you? And even a few of them -- maybe most of them -- in the end, lost your trust. As one non-truster I know put it, "It takes a long time to earn my trust and it can be lost in a moment, by a single action."

Hogwash, I say!