Paying Attention: A Good Investment

Years ago, I wrote, "As much as I love you and as important as your love is to me, I hate you for the central tragedy of our relationship:  that you don't know me at all." This statement was contained within a letter I wrote to my mother but never delivered. When I wrote it, I was feeling the despair of the little girl I once was, who needed her mother to truly see her, to realize the pain she was bearing alone.

There I was, in my 30s, still wanting the mother who could see that her daughter's heart and soul were sick, shriveling, dying. When I was a young child, I was lost, afraid, and overwhelmed by a nightmare life full of dark secrets...and I felt motherless. Facing those childhood secrets as an adult, I was feeling motherless all over again, still yearning for the nurturing, protection, and healing I had longed for as a child. I wanted a mother who cared more about my emotional life than about my career success or how my clothes looked.

Here I am now, decades later, knowing this truth:  I can never go back to get the mothering I needed as a child, but I can get it now. It's never too late to mother ourselves; we have only to begin.

The Whole Secret

"I always enjoy reading your updates," she said. "You're always so positive! How do you do that? How do you stay so positive all the time?" My answer, that my life/spiritual philosophy includes the reality that whatever I put out is what I receive back, was the easy answer in the moment, yet not enough. "Oh, I agree with that," she continued, "but sometimes I just get so angry!"

You slipped away, my friend, before I could respond. The rest of my "secret" of staying positive is that I simply don't care what others do.That sounds callous at first, I know. But let me explain more.

I didn't say I don't care about others. I do! I care deeply about others. I simply "don't care" about their behavior. That is, I don't have expectations for what others should or shouldn't do. I don't have any attachment to their choices. Therefore, I don't have any emotional reactions to those choices. I can't get angry at you if I live in the simple truth that your choices are your own and have nothing to do with me.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you'll remember that I recently wrote about this Childhood Treasure of Independence as the Buddhism of early childhood.

If only I could trust you....

Got Trust?

Not as obvious as a white stripe across your upper lip, there are still visible signs of your answer. In your furrowed brow, your hunched shoulders, your crossed arms or hesitant voice, I can see that your infant self did not get what s/he needed to mine the Childhood Treasure of Trust. In your open smile, freedom of movement, and easy laughter with strangers, I can also see when your treasure chest overflows with this gemstone.

Those of you with the furrowed brow, hunched shoulders, crossed arms and hesitant voice all believe that you are justified in your stance. You've learned from experience, haven't you? The world is not a place for trust. People have let you down, betrayed you, left you twisting in the wind. Maybe a few have earned your trust...and they had to work darn hard at it, because you're not an easy sell, are you? And even a few of them -- maybe most of them -- in the end, lost your trust. As one non-truster I know put it, "It takes a long time to earn my trust and it can be lost in a moment, by a single action."

Hogwash, I say!

The End of the World

What if it really was the end of the world? That planet-obliterating meteor is hurtling toward us and we have three weeks to live, then just one. How would you spend your time? Trying all the altered states you’ve never let yourself try before? Rioting and looting? Desperately trying to reconnect to family or some long-lost love? Frantically, anxiously trying to prevent the inevitable? Mowing the lawn?

I like to think that I’d choose to be with someone with whom I can make an authentic connection, just doing every-day stuff: cooking a meal, listening to music, hanging at the beach. I like to think that I’d choose to be with someone with whom I could be 110% in the moment, just present and aware of myself and that other person, without stress or worry. Someone to whom I could say, in the last 60 seconds of our lives, “Tell me about your childhood,” listening with complete attention to the answer. 

That kind of peace may be the final result of Acceptance, my greatest challenge among the 7 Childhood Treasures. Acceptance: the Buddhism of early childhood.

Is it hard to be grateful?

Feeling like your life is tough and you have nothing to be thankful for this week? Somebody hurt your feelings? Lost your i-phone? Missed your bus? Didn't get the raise you were hoping for? Wrecked your car or had it stolen? Were beaten up by somebody who "loves" you? Got thrown out of your home by the bank? Had a hurricane destroy everything you own?

Perspective. It's all about perspective. You and I have the greatest gift the Divine gives -- life! Waking every day to the continuous opportunity of that life is really enough. Everything else is delicious spice added to that bountiful dish. Sometimes sour, sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter, or salty from our tears. Daily or even hourly changes in flavor don't alter the fundamental nurture.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you really loved me, you...

...wouldn't need to ask me what I want for a gift.
...would know how I feel.
...wouldn't ask that of me.
...would be there for me.
...wouldn't ever hurt my feelings.
...would care more about me than about....
...wouldn't doubt my love for you.
...would never leave me.

Fill in the blank however you like, it's all fantasy anyway. Any statement that begins with "If you really loved me..." is false. And frankly, it is always a form of egocentric manipulation, as well. Not that you'd do that on purpose, of course! At least, not if you really loved me.

No matter what you see as your current relationship problem, the real problem is in that last phrase: "if you really loved me."

Is it really love?

I hear "I love you" all the time. I have heard it from my friends and family members. I have heard it from my romantic partners and spouses. I hear it spoken between others when it is not directed at me. I teach about it in my workshop, The Power of Love.

Sometimes these words are tossed lightly, perhaps to close a conversation -- "Love ya! Bye!." Sometimes, they are lifted tenderly in the cupped and trembling hands of vulnerability, with an intensity that vibrates the air around and the earth beneath those connected by the beauty of the moment. Many of us tell others we love them and are told we are loved often, or very often. Others of us yearn to hear the words.

Even if we hear it often and with seeming sincerity, we may not be sure of its reality. How do you know when "I love you" is just words and when it is really love?