The Truth about Bullying

The truth about bullying is that every child who bullies has been taught to do so, by parents or other close adult caregivers, in lessons later reinforced by other children and other adults.

There. I said it.

I recognize that this point of view is <wry smile> potentially controversial.

If you are a parent, grandparent, early childhood teacher, or other adult with significant influence on the lives of one or more children, you may not like reading these words. Does it help to know that I don’t count myself out of that group of adult caregivers who has taught children to be bullies? Does it help if I say that I am in recovery from bullying children? 

You also may not like my explanation of how we teach children to bully,
 should you choose to read on. Consider yourself forewarned! I hope you do read on, and also decide to transform some of your interactions with the children in your life, through mining your own 7 Childhood Treasures. Since I saw how I was perpetuating this generational and culturally-supported teaching of “Bullying 101” lessons, I have strived for that transformation in my own interactions—not only with children, but with adults, too. I set about the work of mining my Treasures at the age of 30, though I didn't have this language for sharing my success with others until about 12 years ago. Every day, I recover by digging and digging, collecting clunky chunks of rough stone, cutting away the matrix and breaking them in just the right way to show their crystalline structure of facets, and polishing to a sparkling gleam my 7 Childhood Treasures.

 

I’m a work in progress. Waking up to my own behavior also birthed my understanding of my life mission to change how we treat children in America.

You should know that I start from this premise:  Children are born innocent and pure. No typical child—leaving aside those born with specific neuro-chemical malfunctions—comes into this world with hate in her heart, with racism in his mind, with her core motivation a desire to hurt others. Newborns do not open their eyes and take their first look at this bright, shiny world through a lens of judgment. And yet these children sometimes—more often than we’d like—grow up to be full of hatred, judgment, racism and other isms. Too many seem to act as if hurting others is a core motivation. Why? How are innocents so transformed, within just a handful of the years allotted for their lives?

The Greater Good

A central plank in my spiritual philosophy platform is that everything is always unfolding for my greater good. I recognize that this must be so, because the Divine Being of my understanding operates solely as a positive Creator. For me, God is an evolver of potential that always offers me—and everyone—the next step to achieve a life that is positive and creative. As the omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient creative power in the universe, how could it be anything else?

This morning I realized that this core belief is strengthening my Childhood Treasure of Trust. As the very first of the 7 Childhood Treasures, Trust is designed to be unearthed from our internal mine of potential before we are one year of age. Before we can talk, or walk, or understand more than a few words of our native tongue, we begin to acquire the asset of Trust…or we don’t. If we didn’t, then it behooves us to give our adult-selves a second chance to dig for, extract, and polish this gem of human understanding so crucial to healthy relationships.

The connection between belief in a supportive, positive, Universal Power that is always moving me toward my greater good, and the Treasure of Trust…well, it is so obvious, I’m surprised for a moment that I haven’t seen it until now. The infant’s first Treasure is mined and polished in a world in which her basic needs are met. Period. It’s that simple. When he expresses his hunger and nourishment arrives, this little baby miner’s pickaxe strikes the seam of Trust. Physical discomfort is met with comfort—maybe the easing of distress from a dirty diaper or a pokey-sharp label inside the neck of a sleep sack—and Trust is chipped away from the base rock. Her eye contact and gurgling coo is followed by responsive, playful interaction from a caregiver and the raw ore of Trust begins to show its facets. When he is over-stimulated and tired, he is allowed to rest in quiet and peace, and the gem of Trust begins to sparkle.