Last Straw, First Hope

Life has lately offered me some amazing lessons in gratitude and forgiveness. Ever since I studied the book, 5 GIFTS for an Abundant Life, I have expanded my gratitude (the G of the 5 GIFTS) and extended my willingness to forgive (the F). You'll have to get the book if you want to know what the I, T, and S stand for and the rest of the message.... This blog post is about something else:  my epiphany that gratitude and forgiveness are new tools to strengthen my Childhood Treasures of Trust and Independence.

AYFKM????

So, Gratitude.... I'm not much for things like gratitude journals but I gamely started one, as guided by the book. I made dutiful daily records for about 4 days before petering out...but only on the journaling. The gratitude just kept expanding, exponentially!

I started out just being grateful for stuff -- a house, a TV, a savings account, and so on. Then, gratitude morphed into an "attitude antidote" to almost any feeling that impeded smooth and joyous living.

You'll have to reflect on your own, uniquely un-helpful feelings. My ego's go-to list of ugly includes a few of the less-familiar dwarves:  Judgey, Impatient, Irritable, and Are You Freakin' Kidding Me??? (also known as AYFKM). These emotional airs arise when I forget that, dang it all, I am NOT the most important being on the planet (Whaaaat?? Are you sure?).

Here's how the gratitude antidote works for me:

• Judgment directed at the person in the Starbuck's line taking SO long to pick out and name her size, flavor, extras, omits, and...no wait, let me start over...is replaced by "I am incredibly blessed to have the resources to buy fancy and expensive treats like the coffee I'm about to order!" or "Wow. Grateful for a moment to slow down, breathe, and meditate for a couple minutes."
• Irritable impatience for slow traffic or drivers who behave badly is replaced by "I am so grateful I have a car of my very own." and "I am so grateful I can afford to fill my gas tank."
• An internal, silent AYFKM when someone else hasn't come up with the "right" idea/action (AKA the one I would choose) is replaced by "I am so grateful for this person's commitment." or "What a blessing! An opportunity to exercise my values for kindness and generosity of spirit!"

After a short while, Forgiveness took over in this process. I found myself forgiving my ego-driven irritability and impatience...which allowed me to forgive similar ego-driven emotions in others. I forgave myself for mistakes I've made, in judgment and in interactions, which allowed me to forgive others' similar mistakes. In essence, I now regularly and seriously forgive myself for my own humanity:  my quirks, my foibles, my blind spots, my ego's needs, my fears....
(TIP:  If you think you don't have any quirks, foibles, blind spots, ego, or fears that you act out on a regular basis, get a reality check from folks who love you and put up with your humanity every day.)

Now, when faced with something that used to invoke my AYFKM response, I often think to myself,

"When was the last time I did something just like/similar to this?" When I'm able to be honest, it usually wasn't that long ago. So, as I forgive myself for my human inconsistencies, I simultaneously forgive the other person. Kind of hard to zip up the stairs to the top of my judgment tower over somebody else's choice, when I remember making that poor choice or one like it...and recently.

So, out in the world now, I'm pretty cheery about 90% of the time. I'm that friendly, smiling customer in the checkout lane, who reads the clerk's nametag, gives him eye contact and says, "Hey, how's it going, Sam? Customers treating you well today?" I'm that person at the airport who catches the eye of the passing soldier and thanks her for her service to our country. Anymore, I'm almost never the person sniping about a long line or berating someone in a service job for being slow or making mistakes. I'm too busy being thankful for whatever gifts I can find in the experience of the moment, while empathetically forgiving the crankiness of others.

Then yesterday, chatting with a friend about these dynamics of gratitude and forgiveness in my life, my epiphany occurred. I suddenly recognized Gratitude and Forgiveness in a new way:  as the intimate partners of Trust and Independence, the first two of the 7 Childhood Treasures!! Here's how it works:

The raw ore of Trust is mined and polished through infants' having needs that are relieved by their adult caregivers. What is on the other end of the equation that begins Need + Relief?

Need + Relief X Gratitude = more ease and safety in expressing needs, more needs met, more relief...and more gratitude.

This emotional math creates, not a vicious circle, but a gentle one:  a self-perpetuating, ever-expanding circle of Trust. We need, we have our needs relieved, and we feel grateful. The gratitude vibrates with the Treasure of Trust in perfect harmony, attracting more opportunities to safely express needs and receive relief. In turn, Trust is strengthened...and safe vulnerability expands ever more. Shame and fear about owning my healthy needs are banished. My heart opens to the world.

Forgiveness also creates a harmonious vibration, but with the second Treasure, Independence. As toddlers explore the edges--the boundaries--that define their bodies, minds, dreams, and emotions, they keep running into places of similarity/sameness with others, too. As we grow, we keep finding those ways in which we are the same, how we are One, even in our individuality. The gift of our shared humanity reverberates, like a bell's peal, in the space that appears to divide me and thee. Forgiving your human idiocies helps me forgive my own; forgiving my own requires me to forgive yours. My Treasure of Independence--my responsibility for my life--sings a song of forgiveness all day long.

Here's the bottom line:  I've observed that, in any given interaction of any given day, I can be someone's last straw or their first hope.

Gratitude and Trust, Forgiveness and Independence:  they more than quadruple the odds that I'll be a source of hope, not a last straw. Which one do you want to be? 

For those in the area, I'll be offering a series of workshops on the 7 Childhood Treasures at the Center for Spiritual Living-St. Louis starting in February 2016. After an introductory overview session, we'll focus on the Treasures of Trust and Independence in the second workshop. Watch my website calendar for more information as it becomes available.