Safety is a Lie

You may have read my recent blog about letting go of my canine BFF, Shannon. She was in the category Big Black Barky Dog and she was fierce in her protection of me. Anyone outside my door was intimidated by what they thought they heard on the other side...sort of 1/2 guard dog and 1/2 ravening beast. Now that she's gone, I sometimes feel just a bit more vulnerable to the random crazy that lives in the world.

Last night I found myself sharing with a dear friend about another kind of safety:  the safety to be myself in relationships. I heard myself say that feeling safe to be myself is all about whether I can Trust others' authenticity and humanity. As we talked, I recognized that I invest you--every one of you--with the powerful role of Editor of my Expression. In response to your actual or perceived capacity and openness, I limit how much I let you in, but also how much of myself I let "out."

Of course, I do the actual editing. Nobody can stop my self-expression without my permission and acquiescence. No, I edit myself down for you--without you even asking--and my first lie is that I do it to protect you. It hasn't been a conscious lie; it seems reasonable enough, given my history. I learned early in life that I can't trust others to "stand up" in the face of my power; I have been told I am "too much" for people:  too loud, too fast, too intense, too smart...just entirely too much to take! Right behind this lie that I edit myself to protect others, came the truth. I heard myself speaking these words to my friend, "And...if I live full-hearted and fully-open, expressing my completely amazing self, others will take advantage of me; I will be hurt."

Wow. Now there is a limiting belief of heroic proportions! I don't need to have any other beliefs that limit my life choices; this one covers the territory. "If I am truly and fully me, I get hurt." This single arrow in my quiver of self-deception impales me through my heart, lodging solidly in the mass of the past, and pins me there. Silenced. And Safe.