Creating the Art of the Possible

January is almost over and this is my first post this month. Like many of you, I have been struggling with physical dis-ease. My body has been painfully congested, infected with bacteria.... As I fought for health, I often pushed my body for more hours of wakeful activity than it wanted to give. In a month of busy schedule and frequent travel, my desire to heal my physical self was at odds with my calendar and my desire to do my job with excellence.

I strove for balance between these two realities; I used many tools, some from the world of science and some from the world of Spirit. I neither "gave in" to the illusion that physical symptoms are all that I am, nor ignored the reality of those symptoms' persistence. Some days I was more successful in that balance than others; others days I was the lone guest at a truly boring pity party.



You may be wondering: What does this tale have to do with the 7 Childhood Treasures? I didn't make the connection myself until yesterday, as I sat in an airport waiting area, coughing like a tubercular patient from the early 1900s, watching a four-year-old boy practice his capacity for Negotiation with his father.

Learning to negotiate is a developmental imperative at four years of age but Negotiation's manifestations look nothing like the refined art exhibited in the adult world by skilled diplomats and business leaders. In fact, in tends to look at lot like this kid on the right.

And that is how my young role model at the airport looked as he locked wills with his father over some crucial issue of their family life: maybe where or what to eat, maybe whether the I-Pad was available for game playing while they waited, maybe who would get the aisle seat on the plane.... I was blessed by my inability to hear their words. The pantomime of body language and facial expressions revealed the child's purpose fully, enabling me to draw my own lessons without the distraction of his ultimate goal, which was not relevant to my life.

In swift succession, I watched this budding Secretary of State employ the following tools: stubborn refusal, withdrawal, verbal aggression, tearful pleading, logical persuasion, alliance building, and bargaining. Following each new approach, there seemed to be a moment of reflective assessment. I could almost hear this youngster thinking: "How well did that work? What should I try next?" I had to board my flight before I saw a final outcome but Dad seemed to be responding positively to the final three tactics. His body language showed he was engaged now in the art of the possible, not just persistently resisting. I saw signs that the two might be reaching some form of détente.

On my flight home, I undertook my own reflection, seeking to take this child's beautifully illustrated lesson to heart. When I negotiate with myself, seeking balance between conflicting interests, how skilled am I? 

My  self-awareness is high enough that I know aggressive self-bullying is ineffective. I also am forced to admit that I use the arms-locked stance of refusal, along with the adult version of withdrawal (A.K.A. ignoring, pretending it will go away) far too often, though they are just as ineffective. For many years, my most effective tool for internal negotiations has been bargaining. "Okay, Carol, you can do/have X if and AFTER you accomplish Y."

As part of my current and continuing growth, I am expanding my skills in alliance building and logical persuasion. Always, there is a part of me that wants to take the step that is healthy, positive, a way forward. That part of me that wants to stay home, rest, drink plenty of fluids and take Echinacea can build an alliance with the part that is adamant that I must work every day and stay ahead of all the demands at the office. The wise part of me, which knows what my body needs to heal itself, can speak, as I would to a child, to that industrious part, which is afraid to miss an opportunity: "Yes, dear one. I know what you want; I see you. I trust your instinct and we will find a way to do what must be done, even while taking the time to heal." 

Here is what I know, so far, about Negotiation with myself. There is power and courage in me. I can share the certainty that comes from there with the part of me that is confused or does not know the first step to take. I can bring my two hands together, one that holds the solution and one that holds the resistance to that solution. They can meet in the middle and, together, fine a way that works for both. That is the art of Negotiation that the four year old at the airport was learning. That is how we create the art of the possible, with our children and with ourselves.